20 Ways Toddlers are Like Drunk People

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toddler are like drunk people

After writing about how living with children is like living in a frat house, I got to thinking…taking care of a toddler is, in many ways, like dealing with a drunk person. The emotional highs and lows, uncoordinated movements and lack of volume control, not to mention the fact that you are on suicide watch 24/7 with them, are just a few of the many reasons that toddlers resemble drunk people. By the way, I totally want this glass.

Following are 20 more ways that taking care of a toddler is like dealing with a drunk person. What would you add to this list?

  1. No personal boundaries
  2. Falls over A LOT. Gets up, yells “I OK!” and keeps going
  3. Poor decision making skills
  4. Spontaneous vomiting
  5. Speaks gibberish
  6. Gets belligerent if you take away their beer [insert favorite toy here]
  7. Cries for no apparent reason
  8. Streaking (see #3)
  9. Philosophical conversations with inanimate objects
  10. Short attention span
  11. Argumentative
  12. Poor short term memory
  13. Zero inhibitions
  14. Loses everything
  15. Will pass out anywhere
  16. One track mind
  17. Demanding
  18. Getting them undressed (or redressed) is like wrestling an alligator
  19. Runs into things that haven’t moved…ever
  20. One volume setting – LOUD!
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  1. I love that list…

  2. Oh so funny!! My Husband loves when I read these to him. He just laughs and laughs and says, “Oh it is so true!” lol.

  3. OMG, that is SOOOO fun funny! I have to pin this!

  4. So funny and so true!!!!

  5. CUTE! And it makes me remember again why I am SO happy to have teenagers. I think!

  6. This is HILARIOUS!

  7. lol that is hilarious!! And true!

  8. That’s the funniest thing! I had to pin it and share it on fb! Awesome graphic too!


  9. Love this list! So funny! Although, mine won’t pass out anywhere.

  10. Momma on the Rocks Momma on the Rocks says:

    Thanks for all the comments! Makes me so happy to know you are all enjoying this. 🙂

  11. LOL So true!

  12. I love this list! Absolutely hilarious!

  13. Yup!

  14. Ba hahahahhaha! Absolutely perfect! :o)


  15. Crystal Green says:

    I LOVE, LOVE, and did I say, LOVE this one!! I have three kids, and I laughed through this whole blog. I read it out loud to my kids, and they decided to literally “act out” some of these listed items while I told them about it. What made it even funnier, is I had my 9 year old putting shoes on our 1 year old (today), and she was fighting him just like an alligator.

  16. Ha, ha, so true!

  17. Awesome, and so true! You must check this video out, it is perfect!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cds7lSHawAw

  18. that’s funny. well i have to say those were all true lol

  19. Perfect! And awesome graphic! Can I save and make into poster size for a laugh on the days when I think I just can’t take it anymore? 😉

  20. So funny and SO true!

  21. Lack of bladder/bowel control.

  22. Farts are funny my 3 year old son did that while I was reading this post hahaha

  23. I’ve got five more for you:
    1) Goes around hugging people
    2) Laughs at everything
    3) Questionable bladder control
    4) Never ready to call it a night
    5) Always wants MORE!

  24. This is so hilarious and true. I love the falling over and saying “I OK” thing. That’s adorable. I recently started saying “boom” when my daughter falls, and now when she falls, she says “Boo!”

  25. 21. Tend to jump off things with no regard of their surroundings

  26. Momma on the Rocks Momma on the Rocks says:

    Oh you guys have some GREAT additions to the list! So funny!

  27. hilarious! and true!

  28. I LOVE this. I have thought of this many times just not so many.

  29. How about spitting when they talk, drunk people are just as slobbery as kids!

  30. LOVE this list!

    Just have one addition: trips over own feet/falls down stairs.

    I say this because my son has mastered walking and the stairs, yet the one time I don’t watch him, he falls down a couple steps. C’mon man!

    • My son (3) will trip and my husband and I will look and see absolutely nothing for him to trip over. But in our yard with roots, stones, sticks, and uneven ground, he’s a champ.

  31. * Becomes serious at random moments and shares insight about life that you didn’t think she was capable of.
    * Quickly follows moment of serene wisdom with a bodily noise.

  32. So true! I’d add you always have to be their DD!

  33. Oh this is so true! and SO funny!

  34. #2 on the list happens in our house a LOT (along with most of the others). The three year old is constantly falling over or running into something and going “I’m okay!”

  35. But you can throw drunks out for being annoying. Rarely happens with toddlers.

  36. Lol hilarious… perhaps I might add that they will pee or poop on themselves!

  37. Hilarious and so true! Don’t forget random loss of bladder control. And mine wont pass out anywhere but his crib.

  38. I think I’d have to add public urination, bed or pant wetting, and food wearing.

  39. Oh, and no mouth filter (aka bluntly repeats things publicly that you did not want shared.)

  40. So true. One of the funniest stand up comedy sketches I’ve ever seen was about parenting, and the guy was talking about how kids are like drug addicts. “They’re up, they’re down, they’re laughing, they’re crying…”

  41. Found this through Pinterest….it’s so very true….and hilarious. Plus I know some adults who act like this even without the alcohol!

  42. Made my day. Spot on! 🙂

  43. HA! and we have twins. like bar time in a club. no need to go anywhere for NYE. we have all the amateurs right here at home.

  44. so cute, and so true! haha. i’d add, “you’re so happy when they fall asleep!” but is that mean? 🙂

  45. So, so, so very true. And you can also add to that list how they are also like dealing with an 80 something year old relative in the throes of Alzhimers. While Alzhimers is not at all funny, their behavior at times is equal to about 99% of the things on this list of toddlers and drunk people! Sometimes all we can really do is laugh at how outrageous they are when we used to know them as very in-control adults!

    • I have to agree with you! I have realized that my father who suffers from parkinsons and dementia is just like that! And some days it is hard not to laugh. It’s that or cry! Some days it is like having a stubborn 2 year old, or a belligerent drunk, looking for a fight.

  46. You’ve been spying on my toddler, haven’t you?

  47. Not a parent, but Aunty to 2 adorable 5 year Olds. Just… So true, also to add.

    You’re always surprised that they managed to make a mess on the ceiling

  48. Oh, SO true! Especially when they first wake up – I love that swervy stumbling. 😉

  49. Hilarious, and could not be more right on. 🙂

  50. Has no clue how to get home

  51. hilariously, after reading this, i couldn’t help thinking that every bit of it, including everyone’s additions, applies just as well to having an alzheimer’s patient in the family! i know it’s sooo wrong, but it’s true, i swear….

  52. They can’t eat a meal without wearing it too….

  53. Ah this made me laugh…. so glad I followed that link! Thank you

  54. Hahahaha, this is hilarious, love it!!

  55. Momma on the Rocks Momma on the Rocks says:

    You guys crack me up! Lots of great additions to the list!

  56. I can’t believe you don’t have this one.
    21. Never know where they are going to pee.

  57. This is hilarious! I don’t have kids but my sister has two and I sent this to her!

  58. Laughing out loud. xox

  59. #6. could be changed to, “Gets belligerent if you take away the keys,” and it would apply to both groups. I would have laughed louder at this list, but I just put the little drunk person – I mean toddler – to bed!

  60. So true! As a good friend of mine pointed out the other day, trying to have a chat over a drink with me and my toddler is a bit like being in a pub with a mate where the resident drunk just won’t get the message and let us alone.

  61. I would add, Always needs to pee and will pee anywhere!

  62. Classic! So funny! I would add, “Says ‘I love you” to everyone.

  63. Hahaha- just found this through http://mylifeandkids.com/category/finding-the-funny/ – it’s so funny!!

  64. I am a toddler teacher and this is 100% accurate! ….I deal with between 14-18 drunks …Oh I mean toddlers…Lol…a day!

  65. 21. (or whatever we are up to now) Unfailingly manages to interrupt you at the most intimate possible moments; usually with a non-emergency emergency.

  66. darlene says:

    Keeps saying “Look what I can do, look what I can do…”

  67. Hahaha! I found this on a Pinterest board. My toddler totally reminds me of a drunk sailor.

    “Falls down A LOT. Gets up, says “I OK.” <—– that's my favorite part.

  68. My add to the list –
    Completely HANGS on you everywhere you go, even if it means you both fall down.

  69. Lol! I would also add that they’re big on the slobbery kisses, which is partly cute but mostly horrifying.

  70. Sometimes It Is Just Easier To Pick Them Up And Carry Them Out 😉

  71. porchia silas says:

    Omg this is so true and its timeless. I’ve seen it with my kids to grandkids.

  72. I tended bar for years and I have/am raising six kids. I always said it was about the same thing. Very funny list! 🙂

  73. Another one to add to the list: they often continue demanding more food and drink until you give it to them 😛 I enjoyed your list!!

  74. I can totally make the glass for you! And I have 2 toddlers (identical twin girls).

  75. I have been saying this for years! I am not a mother, but I taught daycare for 4 years while part-time bartending….. And I always used to say I had very little to do to switch modes (except it was more acceptable to curse at drunk people)… I think the biggest similarity is the temper tantrums! Telling a 2yr old they can’t have a toy and telling a drunk they are cut off are two very tricky and almost identical situations!

  76. I love this post! I just featured it on my blog. I hope you’ll stop by and check it out.

  77. I actually started referring to my toddler once he started walking as “the tiny drunk man”. When I tell ppl I have to do something with the tiny drunk man, i get the weirdest looks.

  78. Think they can ddance usally end up hurting themselves

  79. Wee their pants regularly.
    Tell you about things which aren’t there (there’s a Monster in the garden!)
    Unreliable memories the next day.
    Encourage people around them to drink. (Oh, just me then!)

  80. They piss themselves, pass out in the strangest of places and with no advance warning, pick random fights with friends, make butt jokes…..

  81. Thank you just thank you! I laughed so hard and nodded my head through all of them. Just what I needed.

  82. Christy says:

    How about what’s theirs is theirs, what’s yours is theirs, what’s a complete stranger’s is theirs.

  83. I published the same article 11 months before….similar ideas….

  84. I absolutely enjoyed this! My husband is a bartender and I stay home with our 2 year old. We have definitely compared the numerous similarities!!

  85. Mrs. Sledge says:


  86. Lol thanks for that. What a great take on toddler behaviour

  87. Number 21 should be; Like I said, It’s kind of like herding cats


  89. I was just having this conversation with my wife. We were laughing about how one minute they are all lovee dovee then the next minute they want to go into full blown brawl. Great List!


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