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She sat in the physician’s office, crying uncontrollably, unable to speak. She wanted to explain to him how small her world had become. To tell him that she was barely functioning. She’d open her mouth, but the reality of it would hit her in the face and she’d choke on the words. She had already visited her OB (twice), spoken with her pastor, another Church counselor, and three different therapists.

Desperate for help, she was begging someone – anyone – to fix her. Finally at the end of her rope, she sat trembling in that cold, sterile room for the second time.

She couldn’t leave the house. She couldn’t let anyone hold the baby. She would stand at the sink for an hour washing her hands. Showering was torturous. It would take so long that before she could finish, she’d run out of hot water, forced to finish in icy cold water.

If anything touched the floor, it was sanitized with bleach or thrown away. Books. Notebooks. Expensive make-up and lotions. Toys. Food. Clothes. Towels. The list goes on and on. Her hands and arms were raw from cleaning and washing. She would even obsess in her dreams, waking up relieved that she hadn’t really held her daughter without washing her hands.

Every day, she would beg her husband to leave her to find a better wife and mother for their daughter, one that they deserved.

To be continued…




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  1. For completely different mental illnesses, I’ve been there and done that:( I’m so sorry. I hope help was found.

  2. This rings a few bells!

  3. What a tough thing to go through.

  4. What a hard thing to deal with!

  5. Sounds so much like me…everything in order, everything in a straight line, dealing with OCD can be HELL! Great post!

    • Momma on the Rocks momma on the rocks says:

      It really is. Unless you’ve been there, it’s impossible to understand. Sorry to hear you have struggled too.

  6. Wow! I have experienced anxiety and depression in the last few years. I know how that can affect someone. I am off to read part two.

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  8. That sounds absolutely torturous. 🙁

  9. This sounds so heartbreaking, I’m so sorry for anyone who has to battle this, and pray that hope is to be found. Thanks for your honesty.

  10. What a scary trial! I get anxiety attacks when I’m in large crowds, but that can be managed simply be leaving the large crowds. This…this isn’t something with an easy fix. How overwhelming it must feel.

  11. I am glad you got the help you needed. Bless you and your wonderful family.

  12. Mental illness is so tough and hard for people to understand who are on the outside looking in. I’ve struggled with depression my whole life. Saw my mom deal with it as a young child too.

  13. Wow this sounds horrible. My heart goes out . I have a friend with mental illness. This is tough. <3

  14. This breaks my heart… have members of my family with OCD, and this reminds me of them. Going to read the other posts… hope help was found.

  15. Postpartum depression can really be a challenged to over come. can’t wait to read the rest of the story.

    • Momma on the Rocks Momma on the Rocks says:

      Thanks for stopping by! You can read the rest of the story by clicking on the links at the bottom of the entry.

  16. What a horrible thing to deal with 🙁

  17. Oh my goodness- how horrible! I want to hear part 2

  18. Momma on the Rocks Momma on the Rocks says:

    Thanks for all the kind words. I hate that so many people suffer with postpartum illnesses in silence. It’s nice to know I’m not alone, even though it’s so awful that other people deal with the same issues.

  19. great post and I am sure so many people can relate and will hopefully have someone to reach out to like you did. I am glad you are doing better

  20. How excruciating to have to deal with that every day. I am so glad that you have found support and have found a way to deal with this. Friends are an amazing gift!

  21. I had PPD after having my son 18 years ago, it was horrible, I had OCD and Panic attacks. It took me awhile to figure out that something was wrong, that I wasn’t a bad mother, I am thankful for my parents, because they are the people that got me the help I needed.

  22. PPD is a tough thing to have to go through. Having a good support system is one of the best ways to overcome it.

  23. Although PPD is extremely difficult to deal with it is at least finally being recognized. Women have more information than they did 20 years ago which is hopeful.

  24. Cristina Gerencser says:

    This was really a great post. I have dealt with different levels of PP issues after each of my 3 children. Self-diagnosing each time, grateful I was aware of my body and emotions enough to finally figure it out. I have been on meds (they make the symptoms go away but come with a whole new set of issues), done vitamin B & D supplements (which I value a lot) and currently manage my major issues with acupuncture. Thank you for sharing your story and please continue to be open about the major issues that affect us as mothers and women alike.

  25. I’m sorry…. rings bells.

  26. So happy you are speaking on this! So many women think they are alone or that something is “wrong” with them. I hope this show others that there is help out there for them! Kudos!

  27. Post-partum life is hard even when everything goes perfectly; my heart goes out to women who have the huge extra burden of PPD.

  28. What a scary thing to go through. I want to write here but I feel compelled to see what happens in parts 2 and 3.

  29. So open, so vulnerable, so brave. After work I will be back to read the rest. Happy SITS Day. Hope you are away from this now.

  30. {Melinda} I am so sorry you went through this. I went through short bouts of post-partum depression with both children. And it was SO hard. Like Angi, I want to read how it all turns out! 🙂

  31. Very heartfelt and descriptive. Excellent writing. Sorry you were struggling. Hoping things are working out better for you.

  32. this hits very, very close to home. *hugs*

  33. I think your photo caption says it all. There is hope. I’m sure your post has helped others not feel so alone.

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